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jokelily

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Its gonna be quite short as I actually don't remember most of it. (My memory isn't the best)


So, it was 6-7years ago, I went above and beyond for that one Halloween, and made a full Pyramid head costume. Scared the hell of my lil brother (full on tears running towards mum scare), but he loved it (after I took my "Head Pyramid). Skip a few years after and he still remembers it! and he brags about it to his friends of his big sister being this amazing horror cosplayer.


But in reality, I looked back at the photos, and It looks like I am wearing a bleaming cardboard box in a shape of a wonky pyramid and hold by duct tape, painted with golden glitter (it was so shiny XD)


Till this days, I always say to everyone how awesome that costume was and hide any evidence, they'll just have to believe my word...

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With stressful life exercise helps to get rid of the horrible feelings of disappointing or just failing in any way. 
With a busy life, exercise is a luxury.
Stress builds up.
News come around and show that one UNSUCCESSFUL, sorry. Not worth enough for them, they rather have paper pretty than pretty person.
Its ok, there are other 3 more to come.
Cant shake the feeling they'll be just like this one. And i keep fooling myself.
Everyone has told me, "Why do you keep trying that? why dont you just do this? You should have another plan"
I CANT I DONT F@*&£ WANT TO
I want to be who i want to be, why can't people let me?
If they only meet me, just get to know me, they can see I am much better that a f@$&£ piece of paper.
I dont wanna feel anymore
It's not worth it. I really wish not to feel so i dont waste time on fixing them so I can give them the F$*£%& pretty piece of paper they want.
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Past life

1 min read
OK it might be either im very tired or just extremely inspired.

Listening to some ol' songs, from disney films, (i would say they were made 1980's 1970's but they feel older) 
I coulndt help but feel REALLY nostalgic, maybe a lil sad, but sad in the sense of missed as if I had had an experience with that song and my soul is responding to it. 
So i had the thought, maybe i have had some moment with that song in my past life; went to a dance or so... dunno.. ¬_¬ maybe watching Once upon a time (on Netflix) might have caused this. but heck it really makes me feel which i try to avoid coz it's easier to concentrate in other things. 
I just thought writing this down in case others have had this feelings and stuff, so yeah they dont think they are going insane, such as i feel like I'm. ^_^ 

DEFINITELY I was born in the wrong timeline -_-'  
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There are days, actually... there are little moments of which I have this overly charged hatred for life, people and my failures. 
And Yet there a small tiny, moments, I am overwhelmed with a weird feeling of pure happiness and over-joy; almost fairy tale love feeling. But for life, for the hopefulness I see in people, specially in devianart, where i can see many people which are hurt, sad and darn right borderline, but they rather show that through their words, drawings than just giving up. I started looking more into those drawings and artists. See them progress and its like they are telling a story each one of their pieces; all of them seem to be improving. 
Then I see myself, I want to be like them. I want to improve. -_- but I'm a lazy person when it comes to drawing I guess.. hehe 



I know for a fact that people aren't happy with other people's happiness, some want to be and try their best which I respect. But to be truly a person who wants others to be happy, they got to give up their own.

That is my new Years resolution. I am going to make people happy around me, know, unknown and those who hate/dislike me, I will try my best with them to make them their happiest.  
So if I can help people by drawing things which will make them give that feeling of hope, or just weird giggly happy laugh, then I shall step up. 
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Regrets

2 min read
As humans beings we regret, yet i have always told myself not to regret anything and i dont really. 

But i do hate myself when i don't do something and it becomes too late to do it. 
You see the signs everywhere! saying to you always do it before you forget, or do it before it's too late otherwise you'll regret it.

Well i am not regretting, i am just disappointing with myself, and i have noticed that i keep doing the same mistake over and over and over again. 

I can't change. I don't even try to cause, I guess I am just a lazy bugger. I am really tired about this, but I don't anything for it either... I guess I'll just live with it and hope for a short life. -_-' pro-creating won't be the best as it will just pass it down to oter generations, I don't hate humans that much. 



I am sorry. I was never there. I never called. I never even write the letters I wanted to send you and make you happy and I left it too late obviously... I couldn't make you laugh one last time. I am so sorry I failed you. I am tired of disappointing but that's all I can do really, disappoint. I am just good, never excellent in something and I COULDNT F*ING get into MEDICINE Coz I AM THAT STUPID! I AM DUMB and not even deserve my name at all! talking all and mighty all the time when it was just bunch of lies and bullshit. I cant be a doctor, or biomed even, I dont have the brain for anything, I cant be an artist or writer I lack natural skill and persistence. Cant be an architect nor engineer as my maths is crap. Cant be a director/actress/musician as I dont have any special talent nor know the right people. So. in conclusion I am a waste of space, cells, thief of oxygen for those who deserve it and worth it for it.    
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Not wanted. Sorry. by jokelily, journal

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